Episode 48: 5 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself If You Get Stuck in The Compare and Despair Territory
When you're in a sort of negative headspace, it can be really easy to look around and see these people in your sector, or just randoms that you seem to follow on social media and think, well, they still managed to do X, Y, and Z. If you find yourself comparing your business with others, then you will love today’s episode. Fiona shares the five questions she highly suggests you ask yourself to alleviate the negative feelings that can come up when we are faced with comparison.
Topics discussed in this episode:
Introduction
Going through compare and despair
5 questions to alleviate the negative feelings
Why do you feel this way?
What makes you think that there's not enough to go around?
What can this person or brand teach you?
What are you telling yourself?
How might you collaborate?
Get It Done: Your Guide To An Awesome Year
Conclusion
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Episode transcript:
And when you're in that mindset, when you're in that sort of negative head space, it can be really easy to look around and see these people in your sector, or just randoms that you seem to follow on social media and think, well, they still managed to do X, Y, and Z. Why didn't I? So what you can do when this not so fun element of business pops up are multiple things, but there's five questions that I like to ask myself when I'm visiting compare and despair territory.
Hello and welcome to episode 48 of My Daily Business Coach podcast. If you are new to this podcast. Welcome, welcome. Welcome. I am Fiona Killackey. I'm a business coach and twice a week, I publish a podcast episode. I have three different types of podcast episodes. So I have quick tip ones that come out every Tuesday, Australian time. And these are literally a quick tip tool or tactic it's really 10 minutes or less. And its aim is to help you on your business journey with something that you can implement immediately. I also put out a longer podcast episode each Thursday, Australian time, which is either me coaching on particular element of business, or it's an interview with a small business owner. So if you are new, make sure you hit subscribe so you don't miss any. And if you're not new and listen all the time, then thank you, thank you, thank you. I really, really appreciate it.
So today it's a coaching episode and I'm coaching on a topic that I feel like we might discuss with our close circles or with our really trusted sort of best friends or our partner, but it's not something that we often admit to in public and especially not in kind of maybe business circles as such, but it's something that I feel like we need to admit to in order to grow. And I think that it's also a topic or an element of business that comes up a lot at this time of year when we are closing in on being done with another calendar year and being done with 2020. And, you know, I'm sure that many of us are really happy to shut the door on this year, but I think that it comes up at this time of year because we start wondering, "What did we do? What did we achieve?"
Now being 2020 is enough that you just survived this year, honest to God. It is enough to survive and be healthy mentally and physically, if you are in that position, then well done like massive, massive. I really mean that well done. So I just want to stress that before we begin, but I do think that regardless of being 2020 or any other year, this is an element of business that comes up a lot and it is worth thinking about and looking at how to proactively challenge it. All right. So enough talk, let's dive in to today's coaching.
So I'm starting this with a question. I often start these with a question and when I work with people in real life, I ask a lot of questions. So I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be super honest with yourself when you're answering it. How many times in the last month did you find yourself thinking about another person's business or comparing where you think somebody else is another business owner versus where you are in your business. Now I'll give you a minute to think about that.
Now, when you're thinking about that, it could have been a direct competitor, or it could be somebody you barely know from your social media feed. It could have been a fleeting thought or it could have been an entire afternoon or even a couple of days that you spent pondering stalking and sweating about this situation.
Now when times are uncertain and it really does not get much more uncertain than what we have all been dealing with in 2020, around the world, when times are uncertain like this, we can easily focus on what we don't have and what others appear with a real or perceived to have. And it may be that we see another business owner in our field, you know, seemingly achieving things that we're not, it could be that we are say a product business and we're seeing another product business sort of go, Oh my gosh, we've sold out in minutes of their stock while our stock kind of seems to be unmoving, or it could just be seeing somebody launch something or do something or complete something that we had wanted to do, but we've made zero progress on, you know, hello, competition and comparison. You know, these are two elements of business that no one is immune to no one.
And I really mean that, you know, to date, I've coached hundreds of people and I've had thousands of people attend events or workshops, or do my course, or be there when I've done webinars for various masterclasses or other people's membership groups. And I can honestly say when I've chatted to people after workshops or out events that I've spoken at, that there isn't anyone out there who does not, at some point deal with comparison in business, it is a large part of the challenges that come up in running a small business. Now a little competition can be a great thing, I think because it energize us into seeing what's possible or taking action. But what isn't so great is when we start spending our precious time and hello, if you run a small business, you do have precious time looking at what this particular brand or this particular person is doing rather than committing to staying in our own lane.
No matter what your business does, we can all think of at least one person or one company that kind of irks us or that, you know, you'll forget they even exist until something they do catches your attention. And it's like a mosquito when you're trying to get to sleep. It's suddenly the only thing you can think about and you go down this kind of rabbit hole of starting to compare everything that they're doing in business to everything you're doing. And I have worked in marketing for a long time now, like a good, you know, close to 20 years. And in that time, obviously social media did not exist 20 years ago. And so when I think of, particularly in my first job, I was editing a fashion magazine and it was a, it was a very accessible magazine. It was free. And I would have so many small business owners literally come to the back door of the office and be like, Hey, how can I be in the magazine?
Because it was a great form of exposure for them. And so I'd sit and I'd talk to these small business owners. And the only kind of way that they had to compare themselves then was which labels were being stocked in which particular retailers and say, you know, I'm in Australia. So they might compare themselves to, well, I've got an Australian label and I wish I could get it into the stockist in Paris, or this stock is in the U S that was really all they had to compare. Whereas now we have social media. And so it's so easy to compare, but we're also on the flip side, comparing ourselves to kind of the highlight reel of everybody else's life. You know, people are not necessarily posting the honest truth all the time on social media. And so that can be another thing that contributes to this kind of compare and despair, because all we're seeing is all the amazing parts of a business or a person's brand.
You know, we're not seeing them arguing with their partner. We're not seeing them yelling at their kids because something hasn't been done, we're not seeing them, you know, swear their head off because the back end of their WordPress site or their e-commerce platform has crashed, or a link in an email, went out with the wrong information. You know, we're not seeing all of that. So when we think about compare and despair, we also have to put the extra filter now with social media that we're often comparing to something that doesn't even exist to begin with. And like I said, at the start of this episode, the end of the year is when I find that comparison really comes on strong for small business owners. And I find that with people, I'm talking to people, I'm coaching people, you know, that just DM me on Instagram. I'm definitely finding that same theme comes up at the same time, a fear all the time. And of course it makes sense. It's the end of the year. And we can get to this part of the, a I'm recording this in mid November, 2020, and we can start berating ourselves for all the things we didn't
Get around to all the problems we haven't yet solved or all the things we were going to do this year, like a rebrand or writing a book, or putting out our first course or fixing our point of sale system, or finally hiring somebody or firing somebody that hasn't been doing their job well for a while. And we've kind of just ignored it and we can beat ourselves up instead of looking at what we actually did accomplish. And when you're in that mindset, when you're in that sort of negative head space, it can be really easy to look around and see these people in your sector, or just randoms that you seem to follow on social media and think, well, they still managed to do X, Y, and Z. Why didn't I? so I guess what you want to think about then, cause I'm always kind of looking at the solutions, not just bringing up the problem, what you can do when this not so fun element of business pops up are multiple things, but there's five questions that I like to ask myself when I'm visiting compare and despair territory. And of course, if you're listening to this on the go and you kind of want to come back to these questions in a text format, you can find all of the questions plus a full transcript over at mydailybusinesscoach.com/podcast/48 as this is episode 48. Okay. So let's get on to the questions that I ask myself and I get my clients to ask themselves to alleviate the negative feelings that can come up when we are faced with comparison.
No. 1 Ask yourself is why do you feel this way?
So this is the most important thing to look at. And it's something I've spent decades asking people in teams that I've managed. And in, you know, since starting my business, I'm asking my clients, this there's a fantastic podcast. I can't remember exactly what it's called. I think it's called Dharma talks. My husband put it onto me. Dharma is in D H a R M a and one episode I listened to it's, it's really about like Zen and meditation and mindfulness and all of that. But one episode I listened to a while ago, talked about asking yourself the question why over and over until you get to the core of how you're feeling and the essence of what the real issue is. For example, I'm upset why I feel like I'm being left behind.
Why? Because I expected to be further along. Why? And you just keep asking yourself why until it really, really boils down to actually what the core problem is. Sometimes we can think, well, I feel this way because of X and Y, but actually when we really dig down it's because something else, maybe something like this has happened to you before, or you feel that, you know, you're coming up to your 40th birthday and things should have progressed, or you're coming up to getting married and you thought this would have progressed by now and you're in your career. And so the same is true when you're deep in comparisonitis you want to be asking yourself, why do I feel this way? What exactly is it about this person or this company that has me riled up? You know, do you think that they haven't paid their dues yet with experience?
So how dare be doing X, Y, and Z? Do they seem fake? Do they seem like they're not really being transparent, even though maybe authenticity is a key value of this, did they get something that you wanted and you kind of have this mindset that there's only a limited number of that in the world, for example, like book deals or great launches or great staff, do they seem self-centered, does it all seem hard, too easy for them? You know, take the time to really think about when you're in that compare and despair mindset, what is it that's actually annoying you? Or what is it that's really irking you and get rid of your ego and kind of clarity surfaces, you know, why are you feeling how you feel?
No.2 Ask what makes you think that there's not enough to go around?
So this next question is really, I guess, a way of checking. If you're reacting out of a fear that there's not enough to go around that if people buy their product or service, that they won't buy yours, or if people go and have their course and not your course, that your income will dry up. I live in Melbourne, which is a city globally known for its cafe culture. And we will get back there. People. I know we are slowly getting back their life after lockdown, but we literally are in a city with hundreds of cafes, hundreds. Some of these cafes will only serve cold brew or drip coffee. Some won't provide certain types of milk or some won't make large coffees because I know I've been there when I've asked for a large, say decaf flat wide, or, or even decaf. People don't make decaf.
They're like, “Hmm, we don't do decaf”. And so, you know, they'll have others other cafes that will provide absolutely everything. And despite Melbourne not being a huge city by global comparison, there's enough demand to fit supply. You know, instead of spiraling into despair, you really want to consider how your business is different and make sure that you're promoting those attributes widely.
So that second question is really what makes you think there's not enough to go around and whether it's cafes, or I often always say to other people as well, you know, think of Irish pubs. You know, that's my background, I'm from an Irish family. There are Irish pubs everywhere around the world. It's not like people say, Oh my gosh, there's another Irish pub. I can't possibly open one because they are everywhere in some cities like Boston or kind of really Irish centric areas around North America.
They'll be like 10 Irish pubs in one suburb. So that question is really what makes you think there's not enough to go around or what makes you think that you can't be in that place because there's X or Y players in that place. So that's number two.
No.3 Ask what can this person or brand teach you?
We can too easily dismiss our competitors or the people that are making us feel this kind of sense of comparison without taking the time to really consider what are they doing well, or dare I say it, better than us in a cast, your ego to one side and look at what are they doing really well? What lessons can they teach you? And what could they help you improve upon? And on the flip side, it might just be studying them that you realize you don't want to be or do something that they're doing.
And this happened to me recently when I, you know, I came upon some sort of what I feel is concerning information about somebody who does a very similar job to me. And it really helped me cement the values that I want to live by and how important these are to me as a small business owner.
So in that third question, what can this person teach you? Sometimes it can be amazing things that you're like, Oh my gosh. And you can really get inspired and think, well, if they're doing that, maybe I can do that too. And then on the flip side, sometimes by really digging into what are they doing?
How are they doing it? You know, why am I feeling this way? Then you can uncover certain attributes about their business that perhaps are not in line with how you want to run your business. And that's cool. What do they say? Different strokes for different folks. So that is number three. What can this person teach you?
No. 4 Ask what you're telling yourself the truth?
And I'm kind of smiling when I say this, because we can go off on the biggest imagination spiral. As small business owners, we can look at one Instagram post or one Facebook post, or, you know, hear one person say one thing at a speaking event. And we can suddenly conjure up this whole world that doesn't actually exist. So I have many clients who start our coaching sessions with me all of the things that they're crap or all the things that
X, Y, Z brand is doing better than them. And I asked them to answer the following questions. One is this true? You know, where are the actual facts number two, is it kind, would you tell a friend the same thing that you're telling yourself and three isn't necessary? How are those thoughts serving you? So when it comes to looking at your competitor or your source of comparisonitis do the same, ask yourself those questions and really ask yourself, are you making the story about XYZ brand or person into something bigger than it is? Or are you equating the fact that, Oh, they had this many downloads of their podcasts, or they had this many units sell through within 10 minutes or their website looks like X, Y, Z. And therefore that means something else. You don't actually know. That's something else I have had clients who have, you know, hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers, or they have these really great and healthy databases.
And yet they're not utilizing them in any kind of way to make money or to even have a business that can support itself. You know, they've got other jobs on the side and so we can let our imagination run wild instead of really thinking, is this the truth, or am I imagining and making up all this stuff that I don't actually know to be truthful? So that's number four is what you're telling yourself, the truth.
No. 5 Ask, how might we collaborate?
I know, I know you're like what the last thing you'd expect to consider when you're kind of in that deep compare and despair is how you might work with this person or this brand, the whole, you know, hashtag community over competition. It's not just a hashtag. It shouldn't be something that we just say, but actually don't live up to.
So some of the best events I've done have been with people who provide very similar services to me, some of the best conversations and kind of breakthroughs that I've had in my business have been when I'm going out for lunch or something with somebody who does the exact same work as me for very similar audiences in a similar town or a similar area. So even if you never intend to collaborate, you know, spend 10 minutes writing down five ways that you could with the object of your compare and despair. So often just doing this activity, alleviates these ill feelings towards that person or that business. And instead shows you all the opportunities that could exist. So that is number five. And I know that comparing our business to another, isn't always negative. It can help us identify areas that we want to grow in or identify things we definitely don't want to do. So, whatever you feel about your competitors, remember this quote, my mom used to always say, this life is 10%. What happens to you? And 90%, how you choose to react. So competitors and competition is always going to exist in business, but how you
Choose to react to that existence is really up to you. So to recap on those five questions,
One, why do you feel this way, too? What makes you think there's not enough to go around three? What can this person or this brand that you're feeling this comparison towards teach you number four is what you're telling yourself, the truth. And number five, how might we collaborate? Now? Those five questions have been really, really useful for me when it comes to my own kind of compare and despair and for clients and students and people that I've worked with. There has been another thing that I've found that really helps and it's useful anytime, but especially now at the end of the calendar year. And now when we're kind of facing these ideas of comparison is to have some kind of plan. And if you've read my book, passion, purpose, profit, or if you've worked with me, or if you've listened to these podcasts, you'll probably assume that I'm somebody who likes planning.
I definitely am. And a plan that is specific to your needs. And once really helps you when you're tempted to kind of veer into comparison territory, to come back to your own needs and to realize that X or Y brand might be doing that thing, putting out a book or an ebook or launching or whatever, because it leads back to one of their planned goals for their business. And when you stop and think about it, you might realize that that thing that they're doing may not have any impact on your business goals. And so goals that you're super clear on because you have a plan in place now at the back end of 2018, probably around this time two years ago, I was finding that a lot of people were coming to me with the same questions and a lot of my clients were coming up against comparisonitis.
And so I put together an online workbook for them to go through, to be able to plan out what an awesome 12 months looks like for them and plan it out in detail. Now I wanted them to be able to get crystal crystal clear on mapping out the next 12 months. And part of that included doing some work on themselves and really interrogating why they were in business and what they wanted to gain from the next 12 months, both personally and professionally. So this workbook is called, Get It Done - Your Guide To An Awesome Year. And it's still available on my website. And we'll link to that in the show notes.
And since 2018, I've literally had hundreds of people go through that workbook. It's almost like a course, really. And they've sort of reached out and said, thank you, because it literally walks you through step-by-step how to map out a fantastic year for your business and how to be able to understand the smallest step that you need to make things happen.
And like I said, I'll link to that in the show notes, and you can find the show notes at my daily business, coach.com/podcast/ 48. But whether you use my workbook to map it out in the next 12 months or another tool, or the smaller parts of this that are in passion, purpose, profit, my book, it's worth spending time on your plan now, so that you understand a, what do you most want to get out of the next 12 months and B how different and unique your business journey is to somebody else's, which really, really helps with comparison. Now, the famous English poet, William Blake once said, I will not reason and compare my business is to create. And I think that the act of creating your plan mapping out your awesome year is one that can alleviate comparison and allow you to understand that you're really traveling your own path in business.
And all you need to be comparing yourself to kind of like Beyonce says is who you were yesterday or who you were last year. And by comparing yourself just to yourself or your own business, you know, where were we three years ago? And look how far we've come. You really are able to see everything you have done. Now. I like to plan out my year ahead at this time of year. And I also like to look back on the plans. I keep my plans from years past, and I keep my vision boards from years past. And I see how much that I have ticked off. So sure there are things I haven't done and I can definitely be a victim to compare us in. And I can see people in my field seemingly doing bigger and better things, but I can also see how much I have done and I have achieved.
And even if I haven't ticked off every single thing, I remind myself by looking at this, that I have kept going, I have stayed motivated, and I've done what I could. And I feel like that is the gold that is inside plans. So I know that comparison can be a killer, especially at this time of year, but I hope that today's episode has given you some new perspectives and tips and tactics really to implement, to either use comparison to fuel you or to use it, to remind you that you're on your own journey and your business is exactly that your business.
So if you have found this episode useful, I would love, love, love it. If you can share it with a small business friend or even leave a review, if you're so inclined to help other small business owners find it. Thank you again so much for listening, whether you're new, whether you've come back and you kind of binge on these. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And as I've talked about a full transcript of this episode, including links to anything, I mentioned such as the, get it done, workbook can be found at mydailybusinesscoach.com/podcast/48 as this is episode 48. Thanks again for listening. See you next time.
Thanks for listening to My Daily Business Coach podcast. If you want to get in touch, you can do that at mydailybusinesscoach.com or hit me up on Instagram at @mydailybusinesscoach.
